Empty nest : Winging it…
Ever since I heard a dear friend’s dilemma, who is an only child and confused on whether to go back home to her parents or to live a settled life here, I was meaning to pen down my thoughts on it because it is a guilt that I live every day without acknowledging. Sometimes in life you are in a quandary which has no solution or a solution that suits you. What can one do about that?
While empty nesting is a natural concept in western culture, it is newer to India. With lesser number of children it is unlikely that anyone would stay back like olden times when out of five or six children, one always stayed with the parents. Now most fly or move away to make their own living leaving most parents as empty nesters. With advent of nuclear families it is affecting more senior citizens. In most cases the ones affected are women because men even at that age usually have a schedule where they meet friends or play some sports or join a club but most women prefer to stay at home reminiscing the time spent with children and in many cases having no siblings or close friends around can drive them to depression. Also, most fathers kind of prepare themselves and are detached whereas it is difficult for a mother to suddenly accept the fact that her children would never come back to stay with her. It is not just mothers of adults but also of teenagers who get affected by teenager’s new friends and busy life and feel unwanted. It mostly happens to stay-at-home moms.
My mom even before my marriage had told me that it is always good to have the freedom to live your life your way with your husband and children. Don’t ever feel guilty for choices you make because everyone needs to live a good life. My parents keep themselves busy with our family temple meetings and charity work; also having siblings around help a lot. That’s the main reason they chose to settle in Kerala where they know everybody. They are sometimes busier than us which is actually good. They get bored in America so they prefer us visiting them in India and then we go for family trips and it is time well spent. Memories to cherish for a lifetime.
If kids are forced to stay back then there is a chance of it backfiring in future against parents. It also seems a bit selfish. It is not right to place guilt trips on your kids. No! I am not judging them. There is no right and wrong here. Some children choose to stay back and also prefer to live in joint families. Good for them if it works for them but does that mean the ones who flew away leaving parents or the ones who prefer nuclear families are mean? Is being ambitious bad? How can one answer that? I can’t. Everyone’s dreams are different, goals are different. One can’t say that their way of lifestyle is the right way.
Our parents understand us, at least my parents do and they support our decision. They always have. Whether we choose to settle here or go back, they are fine with anything as long as it makes us happy. Even if we were in India, we would be living in a separate place. We believe that a little space and freedom keeps relationships healthy. My parents think the same way.
Some excerpts from Feeling Blue? Blame ‘empty nest syndrome’ [link]
Many psychiatrists say they now see an increased number of senior citizens in OPD clinics who come for treatment of depression and loneliness. “Depression is certainly on the rise among the elderly and around 2 to 5 percent of the total cases in the OPDs comprise senior citizens. We have also seen that there is lot of resistance on part of children to put their parents on anti-depressants. We have to convince them that their parents need help,” says Dr B S Chavan, head of department, Psychiatry at GMCH, Sector 32.
The Department of Community Medicine at GMCH, in a study conducted recently, had found that women suffer more due to depression and loneliness as compared to men. The survey was conducted on 361 individuals (152 males, 209 females) between 65 and 92 years in Chandigarh and found that 72.8 per cent of women suffer from loneliness as compared to 65.6 per cent males.
“Couples who share a better relationship, plan their retirement, have varied interests and a social circle do better than those who do not,” said Dr Simi Waraich of Fortis Hospital, Mohali.
Elaborating on the empty nest syndrome, Professor Manju Mehta, Department of Psychiatry, AIIMS, at a seminar on ‘Aggression outside homes’ held at the Panjab University recently, said: “While it is inevitable that children will leave the comfort of their homes one day, the reason parents are unable to cope is because of their personality. It is mostly the dependent types who find it difficult to deal with their loneliness once their children leave home. Their habit to cling plays havoc with their mental peace.”
Busting the myth that only old people suffer from this syndrome, Mehta said: “The seeds of the syndrome are laid as early as 40 years. I have attended to women in their late 30s who were depressed because they felt their children do not need them.”
Tips for the elderly to deal with loneliness
Socialise: One must participate in group activities. “There is less or no social networking as people are leading isolated lives. This is another reason why people increasingly are feeling lonely,” said Mehta.
Cultivate hobbies: Be it gardening, reading or travelling, one should celebrate loneliness instead of cribbing about it. Get involved in social activities like working with NGOs. Find avenues where your expertise is required. (I would add blogging to it.)
Plan your retired life: Start planning for your retired life in the initial phases. Cultivate a hobby early so that you can pursue this after retirement.
Don’t feel ashamed of your thoughts: If you feel depressed, lonely or suicidal for more than two weeks at a stretch, consult an expert. [excerpt ends]
Whether we accept it or not, empty nesting is a reality and it is better if parents prepare themselves for it early. With nuclear families and busy lifestyle it is better to prepare from the age of 35 so that the transition is easier at 60. Even though I mentioned above that mothers feel more depressed and the survey proves the same, still it doesn’t mean that fathers don’t feel sad. Many cases fathers do feel guilty for not being able to spent quality time with kids when they were small but since most fathers keep themselves busy in activities it becomes easier for them to cope with the empty nest syndrome. So when we are caring towards emotional mothers, we shouldn’t forget the fathers who put a brave front supporting all our decisions.
The nest is empty, but the heart is full.
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After my post dedicated to my 23-month-old baby this post was cathartic. Thanks, Solilo for raising a very important point through this post. I keep telling my mom how she should stay with us so that my child can have their grandparents around. But she thinks otherwise!!!
me: To tell the truth I would love to have grandparents around for Peanut too. The only solution for that is to move to India to be precise then Kerala because my parents have their own social circle and friends from same age group and siblings. They do miss their children of course but they are busy in their life and happy.
The best thing is whenever I have those days of guilt and sadness, it is my MOM who gives me strength and says that she too got married and moved away from her parents and lived in almost all parts of India. She too had those moments of sadness but then one look at my brother and me and the smile was back. She tells me to do the same. Think about Peanut first. I hope I turn out to be a great mother like her.
Yesterday I had a talk with a friend about what parents can do when they fall ill or need help. Children are away and in many cases their own siblings are not anywhere close.
I feel guilty of not being with my parents but they understand too and want me always to be ready to come for a visit at any time.
Regarding being back with more people you know, I prevent my parents from coming to India as I feel that they have no social circle here but just relatives; my mom still loves her life back in Kuwait where they live at present. She drives, meets up with friends, goes to the gym. In Kerala she does none of that as she feels that everyone would feel she has become too ‘ modern’! She does not even dress to her comfort, but to what she is expected to. I hate the fact that she can not be who and what she wants to be in her own birth place.
me: Have you read Mishy’s (Piper’s post)? She too had similar questions. I was in tears reading it. Sadly! all of us are in same quandary with no solution or the solution which suits us.
A phone call in the middle of the night scares the hell outta me and the silly me doesn’t realize that it is day time in India. But somehow that night phone call always scares me. It has always scared me in the hostel too.
With your parents, probably they lived in the place around same people for long and made such good friends. So I think it is better if they live there because it seems your mom is much more independent there. In my parents case, since we were like nomads we never settled at one place or the friends we made also kept moving. My parents were about to settle in Madras but then thought soon we will be moving out so it is better to settle in the hometown where they know everyone and have siblings around. They were first skeptical and it was a bit tough to adjust at the beginning but now they love it because everywhere they turn, there is someone they know. There is never a dull moment with sisters dropping by for gossips and then other temple activities and my Dad also has his clubs where he is the President and he is busy preparing for speeches and all. Then gardening.
Also, now they have turned religious too
and we were a family who lighted diya (vilakku) only thrice a year on Vishu, Onam and Diwali in our house while growing up.
My parents have my sister and me.. So obviously, it was clear from the beginning, they WERE going to be lonely… First, I went out to study and then a job…and then my sister moved out to study… Both my sister and me, chose unconventional fields, hotel management and jewellery design respectively… Also, my parents acquired a small business, keeping them busy and engaged, day and night!!!
Whereas, my boyfriend is the only son of his parents, and both his parents now don’t work.. I can see every time his mom calls him, just to chatter and gossip, and because she is feeling pretty alone…
Now, if we could find something catering to our needs in my hometown, Indore, it would never have happened… Mumbai, Pune, B’lore, have better education and employment options…
Now my mamaji has 2 sons, he stays in Mumbai; but both his sons are in Malayasia and Somewhere-in-sea!!!
In present scenario it is just unavoidable not to stay away from lucrative earning options and choose the family.. Tough times!!
me: Rash, why is it that when there are 2 girls it is clear that parents are going to be lonely? Even though this post was in general, after reading couple of comments and also seeing personally some of the things, it is sad that it is okay and some what acceptable for parents of girls to be alone but not parents of guys. No! it is not directed at you. But for all of us women.
You know what? My husband is an only son too but…but whenever we visit India all questions are directed towards me. The questions are framed in different ways “Don’t you have a moral responsibility towards your MIL.”? Another one “It is your duty to take care of MIL”. Last I checked the only relation I have with my MIL is that she is my husband’s mother. She didn’t bring me up. I just know her from past couple of years. If anyone needs to take care then I think it should be my husband and if he wishes then he should leave his job and go take care. My parents are alone too (not lonely and my inlaws aren’t lonely either–both have busy lifestyles) and they too brought me up just the way a son is brought up. Since it’s Kerala somehow the taunts aren’t many because people still believe in matriarchial society and think that daughters are equal to son.
Daughter or son..tough times.
Whenever questions are directed to you, your reply should be,”Why are you asking me? Ask their son.? It worked for me like a charm…Whenever my FIL asked me about why I didn’t wear sindhoor or the loha (married Bengali women have to wear an iron bangle which is usually covered with gold), I promptly said,”Your son doesn’t like them…He thinks they are old fashioned.” After a while, all questions stopped…
me: Bones, That is exactly what my husband tells me to do too. No one has the guts to ask him. It is only few who basically have fun judging all. So I ignore as I just meet them once a year.
There is only so much one can take. First I just let go and when it doesn’t stop then I reply and that would be the end to such questions.
Yup!! I know that is a general mentality.. Those words belong to my grandma who kept cribbing about my dad having 2 girls and rest of his sons & daughter having at least 1 Budhape ka sahara in front of our family friends and acquaintances!!
me: Oh! that budhaape ka sahaara is right out of an old Hindi film and sadly it always comes from a woman.
What I don’t get it is when are sons the sahaara, it is always the DIL who does everything. She cooks, cleans, takes care of parents, attend to all their needs and all the credit goes to dear son. Why? Because DIL is son’s wife. How many sons actually do all this? If they do then kudos to them.
Only once had to reply back saying, I earn more than 90% of my cousins earn!!! I did get a tight slap from mom but grandma did learn to mind her mouth, at least in front of others!!
May be my parents DID know that we would be away for good once we pass school.. so they never made us feel the same..!! Its the same joyous home I go back to every time..!!
Very thoughful post…
I agree that Parents shouldn’t be guilt tripping their children and that it’s important that kids learn to live their life and shoulder responsibilities…
And the whole concept of joint-families never works out for the new entrant into the family – i.e. the DIL.
So, nuclear families are better, I feel.
And Selfish Parents who expect their kids to do everything for them who expect the kids to sacrifice their happiness for the sake of the parents’ ego leave me speechless, because I always think that Parenthood teaches selflessness, to love and respect your kids unconditionally.
*not quite sure if I made my point come thru!*
Brilliant post though!
me: Pixie, I don’t really believe in the old age ‘paraya dhan’ concept where once girls are married off (even this word is wrong), she becomes part of husband’s family and have no contact with her own. In today’s day and age, daughters as well as sons are brought up the same way through same hardship.
There are many parents who taunt their children in old age even the ones who lived in nuclear family. Then there are also children who fight for property and throw parents out. Both extremes are sad.
You mentioned how some parents expect too much from their children. Sometimes many don’t want to blurt it out because of the fear of getting judged as a cruel son or daughter but I know a couple of them who send lists of goods to their children in US and demand that they need to bring everything. One parent still hasn’t accepted the DIL because she is an American, so she has asked the son to come alone but bring all things from the list. Also demanded a new home because the one they were living in was old. Finally this son bought the house because his American wife didn’t have a problem. This is the same DIL who is still not acceptable in the family.
I got your point. There is nothing wrong in liking nuclear families. I prefer nuclear family too more because I have happily lived in one the whole life.
very well said solio. Few of my relatives are going through this, but its not so bad cause my family is huge and they keep themselves busy….
What is required is counseling centers to be set up especially for the senior citizens to handle this… I dont think there are any here…
me: IM, check the article I posted, in many cases people still are uncomfortable to go to counseling centers when feeling lonely. Why old people even young women who suffer from postpartum steer clear of counseling.
As you said, huge family definitely helps and also a good friends circle but what about those who have neither? What is their option? I thought through this discussion we could find at least try to see all the angles.
Unlike west where retirement living is acceptable, old age homes in India are still a taboo. Now in big Indian cities there are option of retirement living with full facility of 24/7 medical service, grocery and other facilities. Also like minded and similar age group people reside there. But most people who would prefer it would be from upper circle of society. In middle class society, the children would be mocked at if parents even voluntarily stays in such place.
That is what I do not understand, we are so conditioned to think that talking about our problems to a stranger is akin to blasphemy… just like we visit a doc when our body needs healing we need to visit a counselor to heal our mind and heart.
When our generation is witnessing so many cases of ignoring their parents, just imagine how it will be when we become unwanted! It is easier to console ourselves by keeping us occupied but that is the medicine, not a vaccine. There are two ways to curing a disease – Before and After. We still need to decide how and when we want to address it!
Destination Infinity
me: DI, ignoring parents is not a new thing. It is just more visible today because of proper birth control. As I mentioned in the post, in the old times there were 5 or 6 children in a family and even when at least 4 or 5 of them left the house for better job prospects still there would be 1 staying with the parents. In many cases rest of the children actually didn’t even bother if this 1 person was not working because it was easier for them to chase the dreams and send some money and the one living with parents took care of them. No one was taunted or questioned because parents were taken care of.
The problem now is that every family has just 1 or max. 2 kids. Girl or boy doesn’t matter, everyone goes after their dreams because that is how they were brought up. Most parents expect good results from children and some are elated when children get a good scholarship for research at a university abroad but the problem starts when the same child now wants to continue to live abroad. Everything was fair till children where living parents’ dreams.
I don’t think our generation is going to be any different. Even now the trend of 1 or 2 children is going on. We plan on having only 1. So I am prepared. I keep myself preparing at every stage starting at the time when she first started walking.
The words like ignored parents, unwanted parents are not a thing of old age. A teenager’s mother too feels unwanted when he is busy with his friends. A pre-schooler’s mother too feels unwanted when she goes into the world without her.
What stops people living abroad from taking their parents there? (In case they are the only son or daughter).
Destination Infinity
me: Whether only child or more, there are many who bring parents here. But parents like mine (there are many like them as you can see from the comments) hate living in an alien land and also love their freedom. They don’t like being dependent.
I have personally seen some parents adjusting to the new land and some who just couldn’t and got really sick because of environment (many are allergic to the Spring and Winter here) and loneliness. Once children leave, they have no one to talk to the whole day.
That’s what the whole discussion is. What works for one doesn’t work for another.
hmm empty nest syndrome it is.. when my sis got married, my mom cried as if she had died. it was difficult but at least me n bro were with her. Then, at my wedding, she was more prepared n since I didn’t cry, she felt stronger. You know I was not at all the socializing or talking kinds at home. My sis was n is. But just being around made a difference to them I guess. Even now, 2 yrs down the line, however busy she is if she doesn’t get to hear me for more than 2 days, she gets sad. My bro says I am spoling them by habitually calling them everyday. He stays with them as of now but we know that might not be the case forever. He doesn’t want them to expect similar behaviour from him. Dad is the same. just that he doesnt express it as much.
I dunno, this makes me sad sometimes. Is it the Indian family system that is to be blamed? all their life(the prime time if i may say) they spend raising us, everything revolves around the kids and just when the kids grow and become dependable, they fly out. It might not be possible to stay even closeby forget together if the grownups are to chase their dreams but its sad that the parents in their old age are left alone. One would say but thats how it happens. They too came away from their parents after some pt in life. but that doesnt lessen the longing, the pain, the lonliness..
you rightly said every parent better prepare him/herself for this. Keeping oneself engaged is the key. And then these modes of instant communication are a boon to large extent.
This one thing keeps bothering me often…
me: I cried buckets hugging my mom after marriage. I just didn’t want to leave. I hated that moment and thought why do I have to leave my parents? Why not the other way around? I know even the other way around is not feasible because then boy can complain too:) This is the girl who made this post sitting in a far away land. This is the girl who once decided that she will never leave her parents. She will never leave India. No! I am not attached to India. I am attached to my parents. Home is where they live, India or US or Kuwait doesn’t matter. But I am here and I am living. This is home too. Our home to my daughter.
See that’s what I call preparation. At your sister’s wedding your mother wasn’t prepared at all but with next she became stronger. I know Dads never express in most cases. I talk to my mom or chat with her everyday too. I don’t think I can live otherwise.
As mentioned in the article ‘the act of not letting go’ is the culprit here. It is difficult at old age because one is more home with lesser responsibilities. The void makes them sadder. The void in life at any stage would make one sadder. It is more evident when one is old.
My parents are like yours (maybe they adjusted to this way of thinking earlier than usual because we are 2 sisters)…From an early age they’ve told us to do our own thing and go where we will be happy…They’ve never held us back…My paternal grandmother didn’t stop my father when he wanted to leave the nest even though he was her favourite…She let go and that’s what a parent is supposed to do…
me: Bones, you mentioned the same thing that Rash did. Parents preparing because of two daughters.
I have a younger brother and still my parents prepared themselves because they didn’t want either child to live with them. Daughters and Sons are same and anyday my parents would be comfortable being with a daughter than DIL because according to my mom it is unreasonable to expect another girl to look after you when your own daughter and son can’t. Because in most cases even when the parents are with Son, it is the DIL who leaves her work and takes care of inlaws whereas son is busy at work. It is the DIL who serves them all the time whereas the Son gets all the credit. (Again a common sight in joint families.)
They knew with the kind of education and dreams we and they have for us, it is always going to be outside Kerala and they wanted to be in Kerala.
All the cousins from husband’s side have made a pact that all of us when retire will settle near Vellayani (Trivandrum). It started out as a joke but then it is not a bad thought. Don’t know how feasible it is going to be but that is the plan as of now.
well kids leave their homes much more now days because the expectations out of them is too much , that by the time they start earning , they want their freedom…I think the reason for loss of joint family system is that older people aren’t always ready to adjust(ya I live in a joint family,i.e. with my grand parents )….things like personal space have become more important today…I have heard people telling they will do anything for their friends..now thats the change in attitude from the previous gens….
me: Vichuuuuuuu, *Solilo faints* A comment without smileys. Just pulling your legs
The first line is true. Today with just one or two kids, parents put more pressure hence bigger dreams. You are also right on difficulty to adjust in a joint family. See I have always enjoyed nuclear family. My parents have. My grandparents have. So for generations we have had independent life in the way that there is always family to help but everyone still gives space. I wouldn’t want any other way. As I mentioned in another comment, kids did move away from joint families before too but since number of children were more at least one stayed back with parents looking after family business or property.
I think this post is a real eye opener…both for parents and their kids. No one has the right to make their kids feel guilty… they shud force their kids to get out, live their own lives, handle their own problems, enjoy their privacy and their marriages…and everything else that comes with it.
I’d like to post a link to this post on my blog if thats ok with u
me:Please do go ahead and link. It is perfectly fine with me.
Hi Solilo,
I know its a tough chocice for parents esp when we kids are out ..my parents tell us the same things..dont ever feel guilty as its but natural for birds to fly away…..bringing them forever to our destinations is again fish outta water phenomena..the solution..my folks live in NY for 6 months..In HK for 3 months..rest of the times we are there in Kerala…..i dunno what future holds…and how long we will be able to do this…
me: Bindu, at least your parents like visiting US. My parents esp. Dad gets bored in US as he has always lived by his rules and also an authority figure who doesn’t like living under anybody’s roof. They are happy when we visit them because it is their house. So we go to India every year and LOVE it. It is much more fun vacationing there.
You have said everything so nicely and from almost all angles that there is little one can add. This is new reality that we have to live with, are living with.
There is no place for guilt here….of course a corner of my heart does say I wish there was a less disruptive way…
me: Thanks.
Second line perfectly said.
Wonderful post solilo.
I always have a guilt of leaving my mom all alone in hyderabad.My siblings are there to take care of her,but still i feel i should be there to take care of her.
She is very practicle lady,she says don’t be guilty that u have left me,it is nature which created all these stuff,i left my parents,u left me and ur children will leave.You have to get yourself prepared for future,when ur kids leave u for good.And she wrote a quote in my diary “”Children come through us.They don’t belong to us.
“It is not bow to decide where the arrow should go; the bow man knows it, He decides it.—-Swami Chinmayananda”
She just hates to go out of her place,she miss her siblings the most.With lots of force she comes here but stays here for just one month.She is planning to coming here in the this month end, but laid a demand that she wont stay here for more than a month.
After her retirement i thought she will get bored sitting at home,but she keeps herself busy the whole day,now the latest thing she is doing is learing to drive car (she booked a nano for herself).She is planning to take her grandchildren in her car for a ride.:)
Hugs to my mom:)
me: I love your mom’s line: “Children come through us.They don’t belong to us.” “It is not bow to decide where the arrow should go; the bow man knows it, He decides it.—-Swami Chinmayananda”
I have noticed this that as we age we prefer to be near our siblings or closest friends, someone our age. I have seen many parents who live with their children feel stifled and bored because they really have no authority in the house and also not anyone their age to talk to. Of course being with grandchildren is a perk.
My great-grandmother (My mom’s grandma–at one time we had 5 generations of women together) lived with her youngest daughter but she had a group of 7-8 friends-all old ladies of her age group, they met every evening in the temple and then chatted for at least 2-3 hours. That was her daily routine till she passed away. We used to tease her that she was going to temple not to pray but gossip.
{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}} and kudos to your mom. More power to such strong women!
yes what u said is right they prefer to be near their siblings.Once in a week my mom goes to her sister’s house.My mom doesn’t like to stay in my sister’s house,she says she wants her own space,she wants to cook herself,she wants to do everything what she has been doing since her marrige:)
The issue you raised here in a big dilemma for our generation.
“Good for them if it works for them but does that mean the ones who flew away leaving parents or the ones who prefer nuclear families are mean? Is being ambitious bad?” – Sometimes parent’s don’t understand this and that’s where the trouble begins.
I left a well settled life in Bangalore and relocated to Dubai just to stay with my parents. This was my choice and thus I have no regrets. I miss Bangalore but whatever little I lost out on, I made it up being able to see them every single day. I wanted my kids to be around their grandparents. I wanted my wife to ‘really’ know the women who raised her hubby. I try and spend as much time as possible with my in-laws too for the same reason.
It’s not possible to get the best of everything always. One has to compromise a little every now and then. In the end, it all comes down to how well a balance we can maintain between what you want, what you need and what you have.
Masood: I am glad that everything worked just fine for you.
Let all the flowers bloom.
It is very difficult choice for the grand parents.Even they want to live their independent lives…yes health and finances agreeing.However,if the children and grand children need them,they would and should be there with them.
me: I feel more than the need it should be love.
hmmm this is something which has been on my mind offlate too solilo, let me be honest here may be will sound rude but its a fact that the couple needs to live as a couple to make them understand the term family… as in the nuclear for the bonding to get to the next level
when they get married they need to understand each other, be with each other, do silly things, fight and all of it cant be done (atleast is very difficult in a joint family)….
earlier the times were different as u rightly mentioned but parents are having a tough time accepting this, i dont blame them either but the fact remains that they have to learn to deal with the empty nest, i am not saying we should abandon our parents by no means but yes that also doesnt mean that they are around u 24*7 all year through…
u are right in saying that its an alien concept in india
PS: that was just a rant above i guess…i am going thru it currently. i hope it made some sense atleast
me: Monika, As I have mentioned already. I prefer my freedom and to live life my way. I don’t like being questioned on why we came home so late or partied all night. Of course all that doesn’t happen anymore after Peanut’s arrival but there was a time when we used to just love being out of home. I too feel that a little space is needed at least in the initial years of marriage. To know and understand even if it is a love marriage. In arranged marraiges actually it becomes a MUST.
So I have no qualms about saying that I prefer nuclear family. My parents liked it too and even my grandparents. But everyone was always there when someone needed help.
As written in the article I posted, it is mostly personality of some parents not all who can’t accept the fact. It is also applicable to younger moms.
I totally get what you mean but many times if a young woman utters the word nuclear family and then be ready to be judged. I would say screw them! It is your life. You need to bring your kid the way you want and only a happy mother can provide that to the child. I am sure they had their views to while bringing up their children.
First you have been tagged. Here
http://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com/2009/04/21/what-i-don%E2%80%99t-like-about-being-a-mother/
me: That was a lovely tag, IHM. I posted a comment there.
You touched the aching nerve
It demands a post. I hope you won’t mind !!
me: Please do a post on it.
Well said! And I empathise, having left my parents and in-laws (yippee
))) far away in India.
Infact it was just yesterday that I took my 2.5 yr old cycling on his tricycle, and he didn’t want me to hold it. And I suddenly felt hurt. To realise that he didn’t quite need me as much as I thought he did. And to think that this is only the beginning! Empty nest… a beautiful term for a very sad state of affairs.
-http://writerzblock.wordpress.com/
me: Yes, Pal. That is exactly what I meant. It is tough to let go. But we prepare ourselves accordingly. The eggs crack and birdies fly away leaving the Mamma bird and Papa bird in the nest. That is the reality of life.
You wouldnt believe, I was going to write a story (my first one in the blog) on similar lines, inspired from real life. Now after reading this, I dont think I would be doing it. Nice article Solilo.
I am one of those who left my work abroad to be with my parents. Many of them asked me not to and that I wouldnt be able to cope up with the lifestyle back here. I dont regret my decision and I feel thats one of the best I had ever taken in my life. Parents would be happy seeing us settled, and that too abroad. But deep inside them, they feel that pinch of lonliness. They ask themselves ” What do we do now?”. I literally saw this on my fathers eyes when I left them. They had been with us till we completed our studies and once we get a job, we leave them conveniently. We are not thinking of the fact that we are leaving them just when they need us the most.
Its very similar to a situation when a child is left all alone by his/her parents. The child does not have a clue what to do, but slowly gets accustomed; the child gets used to being lonely. The child kills boredom through various recreation activities but deep inside, the child is still lonely waiting for its parents to come back. I had never been lonely, my parents never made me feel that way and they still dont. They could have sent me to a boarding school (parents are sent to old age homes as a revenge) and they could have enjoyed their life as a couple visiting me once in a year. If my parents knew that I needed them during my upbringing, why are we not being with them when they are getting old ?
Like you mentioned about fathers, my father had no time for me and I cant blame him; such was his schedule. He was working hard, never cared about his hobbies or interests and he did all that only to make sure that I have a good future. After his retirement too, if Iam not there beside him to find solace, if Im not there when he needs a shoulder to rest on, that is the biggest punishment I could give him for making me the person that Im today. I, atleast, dont have to regret in the later part of my life for not allowing my parents to spend time with me. Some term me as an emotional/ sentimental fool, it could be true, but I dont think my parents deserve to be alone.
India is always a better place to work. There are a lot of better opportunities here in India itself provided we make up our mind. As mentioned, parents would support our decision and infact they will pressurise us too to settle abroad and thats only because they still want the best for us. Being ambitious, career driven, etc. is not bad at all. But there is always something called moral responsibility which, according to me, is more important.
( Sorry for using up a lot of your comments space. This is so unlike me; I couldnt resist !)
I am pressed for time so I will reply to all comments later but just wanted to discuss something with Vimmu. My reply is in bold
“Parents would be happy seeing us settled, and that too abroad. But deep inside them, they feel that pinch of lonliness. They ask themselves ” What do we do now?”.”
In my opinion parents would just like us to be settled. Place doesn’t matter. As I mentioned, my parents have always stood my me and my brother. Whether we settle here or move back, they will be with us 100%. The question about “what do we do now” is why this whole post is about? Parents need to let go of the clingy behavior. I know many moms who weep seeing their child going away to college and think now what do I do?
Why go far? Take me for instance who chose to stay back to bring up my Peanut and when on her first day of Pre-school, she just waved me a bye and went ahead met her teachers and kids with a huge smile, a part of me just died. I cried all the way back because my baby was stepping into a new world without me. So you see it is at every step we change. WE MUST. I am talking as a parent here.
“Like you mentioned about fathers, my father had no time for me and I cant blame him; such was his schedule. He was working hard, never cared about his hobbies or interests and he did all that only to make sure that I have a good future.”
You say that you don’t judge your father for not being able to spend enough time with you while growing up because he was working hard for you guys. Then what do you think we are doing? We are hear trying to bring up our kid and trying to provide a better life for her. Every parent does that. I as a parent believe that if I brought a life into this world then it is my duty to provide the best for her. Do I expect anything in return from her? NO. My love for her should remain selfless. At least that is what I think. I don’t want to be a clingy mom who is going to taunt her in future when she goes after her dreams.
My parents have taught us to follow the dreams and they have always maintained that they need a separate place when they grow old. A joint family even though helps old parents in many cases, it also increases resentment.
“India is always a better place to work. There are a lot of better opportunities here in India itself provided we make up our mind.”
As I said in my post, good for you if it works for you. But every individual is not the same. Their dreams are not the same. Let me ask you something. Are you going to live with your parents or in a different city? If in a different city then you will be judged too for not being there with your parents just the way some judge the kids who move abroad.
Now if you would stay with your parents in future then let me ask you about your future wife. I mean we bring daughter and son the same way then why is it expected of son to look after the parents and not daughters. Also, when they say son, it is mostly DIL who takes care of inlaws because son is busy working outside. (A common sight in India). Isn’t it a hypocrisy to expect a DIL to looks after the parents and not daughter? Isn’t it sad that a daughter can’t stay and look after her own but has to go and take care of someone else’s parents?
This question actually stemmed from something which I witnessed in India this time. A distant relative who has 3 childre, all married. 1 girl and 2 boys. Girl lives in US, One boy in Delhi and one boy with them. Everything was going well but the one who lived with parents was feeling stifled and wanted privacy. His wife was 24/7 in the kitched as MIL was sick so even though they had maid, it still was DIL duty’s to take care of them. On top of that the house where they all lived in went to the girl. So when girl went to India for vacation, she stayed with her parents all pampered while DIL was still working in the kitchen.
This son finally moved to a different house with his wife and son. He wanted quality time with his wife and son just like his sister who was in US and like his other brother who was in Delhi. This new house was just 20 mins drive from his parents house. But his parents esp. the father went around embarrassing this son. He even told me how selfish children are these days and that his son is hen-pecked now because he chose to live near his wife’s family. It just so happened that wife’s family was 10 mins away from the house. I was shocked. This is the same father who dotes on his daughter and says nothing when daughters stays with them getting all pampered and he expects the DIL to look after them. She did for long 7 years and she is still held responsible for “changing” their son.
I still don’t get it how these people can blame one son and not the other two children? So the one who stayed back for brief period has to go through the guilty trip for that? Sad!
Son or daughter, everyone feels the same pain for parents.
Life’s answers aren’t easy. What works for one doesn’t for another.
“Parents need to let go of the clingy behavior” — Im not referring about the clinging parents. Im speaking for those helpless parents who doesnt even say a word or doesnt even interfere in their childrens career decisions. Im not aware of any clingy parents to start a discussion on them. and that “what do we do now” factor is not what they had expressed to me, I felt it myself. It was my guilt feeling (something that many of them had mentioned here) for having left them and wasnt because of any ‘cling’ effect ! We always advocate on parents responsibility and claim whatever they do is only because its their basic duty. The kids have a similar responsibility too. Even their love should be selfless and it is their duty to take care of their parents when they are old just like how they were taken care when they were toddlers. I was referring to this moral responsibility.
me: The ‘cling’ effect is quoted first by a Psychologist in the article not me.
Vimmu, I gave an example of clingy parent and that is me. I am. That is why I cried when she stepped into a new world because now she had more people in her life and it was not ‘JUST MAMMA’ any more. This is the pattern which grows with age and makes parents esp. mothers bitter when kids move away or when a son gets married and a new girl has more control over his life. You might not have seen it. But there are plenty examples in India and all over.
When I spoke about parents’ duty I was talking about me as a parent. I chose to bring my kid into this world for myself. It was my greed to have a child and it is my decision on how to bring up the child. She doesn’t have much say. So tomorrow I feel that I don’t want her to feel any kind of need to repay me. I simply don’t want any payment for my love. I am sure my daughter will love me just the way I love my parents. Like you I mentioned the GUILT FACTOR in my first line. 5 years before I had a dream of going back and settling in India but not anymore. Why? Because life is just too good. Well settled. We are doing really well and now both of us can’t think of starting from scratch in India. The kind of money we make or the lifestyle we have is not something we want to just throw and leave. We are practical people too like many others. We have a kid who is growing up. We have dreams for her just like any other parent. We think Peanut would get the BEST here. So see every one changes with time. I am different from what I was 5 years ago and I remember my mom’s exact words now. You need to live the life of your choice.
Vimmu, the choice you made works for you then good. Didn’t I say that? I don’t think there is any right and wrong in this. When you chose to live in India people thought you were nuts. I don’t think they have any right to because what works for them needn’t work for you.
I don’t believe that one person can decide on the future alone. Tomorrow when you get married I am sure you will take your wife’s views too in various matter. That is how we change with time and age. You didn’t answer my questions on how you are planning to be there in India. I mean living with your parents or in a different city? What will be your wife’s views on it? What if she too have decided to stay back with her parents to look after hers who probably are in a different city? If these questions are personal then you don’t have to answer.
LOL, clingy parents then according to me are exceptions and exceptions cannot be taken as examples
In the first line, you’ve mentioned that you are an example of a clingy parent.Does this mean that one day even you will be a mother in law similar to the example cited? Becuz a clingy parent remains a clingy parent according to this statement of yours – “This is the pattern which grows with age and makes parents esp. mothers bitter” and then in the following lines, you had also mentioned that you wouldnt expect anything from your daugher after she grows up. Now, both are contradicting statements.
I agree on your viewpoint that a lot of such decisions do depend on the other half.Honestly, I hadnt thought on those grounds since marriage for me now is a long way to go.But Iam aware of couples who have parents from both sides with them and like how they put it at the end of the fairytale, they are living happily ever after
I would probably think on these lines.
At the end of the day, I do not want my parents to feel even for a day that they are left to fight with their old age all alone. and as you had mentioned, what works for me need not work for a lot others.
me: Vimmy, Clingy parents aren’t exception but you can surely think what seems right to you.
See you didn’t get my comment. I mentioned that with every stage we have to change. It was difficult for me to let go of my child the first time because I was the world to her. But I survived. I changed myself. Parents too have to evolve with the child. We have to prepare ourselves at every stage.
Of course I will be an emotional wreck when Peanut goes away for higher studies to a different state and then finds her life partner and sets her own nest. She is after all my daughter. Both of us are always going to be emotionally available for each other. But that doesn’t mean that I will cling on to her. I will change myself. I have my life to live too which is certainly not dependent on my child.
The bolded part is applicable to those who don’t change. What I meant is if one doesn’t prepare herself then it is going to make her bitter in future. There are aplenty mothers who call up and taunt their children and also remind them of the sacrifices they did for the child. I most certainly don’t want to be that parent.
Vimmu, It is a myth that both set of parents together in one house is a perfect arrangement. If there exists one then I really appreciate the people living in it.
I hope and wish that you fulfill all your dreams and live happily ever after with your wifey and two sets of happy parents.
What a brilliant, sensible post Solilo!! My mum stays alone and keeps really busy- when years ago I once cribbed about her being too busy, my sister in law said I was lucky that she is not emotionally dependent on us. She has her two drivers cum man-fridays, and maids and tenants – to not just give her support and company but they are also keep her safe. She is never entirely alone. I have seen as my kids are growing older, just like my mum I am letting them be… when they were young my life rotated entirely around them, and friends warned me of what I’d go through when they leave. I think if women accept and understand from the beginning that the kids will leave, they are better prepared and actually enjoy the solitude
This post touched a chord – I am going to blog about this- basically about my mum.
me: “when they were young my life rotated entirely around them, and friends warned me of what I’d go through when they leave.”
You won’t believe but my mom told me the same thing. She told me that I shouldn’t be emotionally dependent on Peanut because it only makes it difficult later not only for the mother but also daughter. She knows how sensitive I am. Emotional manipulation is something which kids cannot escape as every loving child cannot see parents in tears.
Please do blog about it. Would love to read about your mom. Strong independent women are my inspiration.
yeah, good one Solilo….. I have that guilt as well.. I have been living outside my place for the last 8 years……..
I took a decision long back that I would never stay long time in US… that is, apply for H1 visa or do post graduation here… coz then the tendency would be to stay here….. repaying loan etc etc….
Chennai will always be the center of my universe!!! and I have decided that after going back in INdia, I would look for a job in Singara chennai… or atleast Bangalore.
me: OG, you remind me of me. I too decided that I won’t stay here long time but now views changed. Attitude towards life changed. Heck! I had even decided that I would never leave my parents home.
So are you on L1? So in that case it is a short term stay and you can continue your Sambhar experiments in Chennai. Will visit you there.
yes, on L1 now…..
dont know as to how short the stay is going to be…:D
my sambar experiments will continue…. 
LOL
Hey Lady, you are amazing..Just bought out what I was thinking and going through. My parents have my sister and myself, so It was always in my mind that they r going to be alone:( Its pains for me to see them living alone….I keep asking them to socilaise and cultivate a hobby…loved the blog. Can I follow it?
me: Shruti, Oh dear! one more? You are the thrid person who wrote that it was already decided that since parents had only girls they would be alone. Why? I just can’t fathom the fact that it is okay for girls’ parents to be alone but guys’ parents need all the attention in the world.
Do they have relatives or friends around? If they are going to live alone then it would be good to move to a place where they have company.
I am honored. Please follow my blog by all means.
You have chosen a wonderful topic to write about. I am also in a dilemma right now. I have pretty much decided to return to India to live with my parents though, I just can’t forget the time they were with me – through all my ups and down – the only 2 individuals who never gave up on me – I believe I should be with them when they will need me the most. I left home after my 10th class,
! I should be back to India in another 4-5 years I guess, that is what the plan is right now.
me: Chikki, I would like to ask the same questions I asked Vimmu. I know you are very young and probably not even thinking about marriage but still what would be your take if your wife wants to live with her parents?
Hope your life turns just the way you planned.
Dear friends, This subject is close to my heart and I know for all of you too. Last night when I was writing this, it was a very long post but somehow when I hit published button it all just vanished into thin air.
I had to sit and write it again. This time I made it shorter because I thought we could have a discussion on it here. I have tried to show all sides but it would be nice to hear different views from parents, young children, middle aged parents of teenagers. Our perspective towards life changes with time. So it will be a good way to learn a lot of things.
Empty nesting is a reality we can’t run away from it.
I will be back to reply individually.
It all vanished!!!
WP is not liking you these days 
LOL
me:
Dushtaaaaa!
You don’t know how sad I was:( I vented to IHM. The first post was even longer. So this time I shortened it and thought I will take it up in comments discussion.
But be sure to save it somewhere as a document because this is the second time when wordpress ate my post even after I had saved it as a draft here.
hahahahaha
This is the very first lesson I learnt as a Software engineer….
even If i have just typed in a single alphabet 
1. Keep backup of every piece of code or documentation you write even if it is useless.
2. Use “CNTRL S” a lot… Now I hit it automatically
me: And here I dared to advice a techie guru
I save most of my posts but at time I become so passionate while typing that I type directly onto the wordpress dashboard and save it here. I don’t know how wordpress ate a saved post.
Hahaha..Yea, thats sooo true, Its pretty much the same what I do, not for every words though – But yea, I have backups all the time.:-)!! Cheers!
Nice subject for a post, Solilo!
You know it’s all really subjective. There’s a different answer for every different situation. We have to choose what works for us and our parents/ children.
me: Thank you, Manju. I 100% agree with what you said.
Postulates:
!”All sons are henpecked after they get married ” — It is a common thing parents keep telling around.
!”No daughter-in-laws are good enough”
!”Some daughters and all sons are pampered”.
The problem :
when the parents ( father) wants the son to be with them when they are aging ( and not the daughter – even if they are are 10 minutes away !
the son will be at work ( career et al ) and the daughter may have to drop her career ( in extremem cases ) to look after otherwise she will be called “having no sanskriti !
but some daughters also want their brothers to look after their parents ( may be because the father has decided to give the property to the son and the daughter feels cheated – is she wrong. what is wrong with the parents to give the daughter as much as they want to give the son ?
some fathers think they “OWN” their son’s credentials and he should be the chip of the old block and if they have different views it becomes ” oh we sent you to this XXX college for turning against us !” And now you don’t want to be with us! !
Answer:
one family’s right answer is another’s wrong answer.
there are no correct or wrong answers
the balance needs to adjusted — if it is dry just lubricate the screw!
me: Anrosh, Aye..Aye!
For all of us settled out of India, with both parents still in India, this question and dilemma never leaves us!! Yes, that phone call in the night always scares the hell out of me…so true..
Very well written Solilo..
me: Thank you Dev and shaadi mubarak ho.
Well, it really depend on what kind of people the parents are. For e.g. some mothers never develop a social circle and spend their entire lives in their children’s upbringing. When such children move away, the loneliness is too much to bear. Some parents have active social circle and they don’t feel the lonliness that much.
But, we all miss loved ones when they move away. The degree varies.
me: The example you gave is the perfect one because they are the ones who get most affected by the separation.
What you have raised is an important question. And a personal choice.. whatever works… but then parents should have independent life i.e independent of their children.. in a way its a good thing.. this empty nesting.. coz it creates a space for husband n wife’s relation to mature in a different level.. also to find a new breath of life for doing all the things you dreamt of but never could find time for
and to break out of stereotypical roles!
me: Meens, it is possible only if all couples thought that way. There are times when after years of marriage, there is nothing much to share or talk about and with children leaving, parents become lost.
Yes they do.. but then it happens even more cruelly when kids r around.. while parents wait for their kids to give them time.. kids find it hard to find time.. coz there is too many things going on!
We staying away from home always makes us wriggle on those calls …. A very thoughtful post ….. Way to go !!!
me:
I understand what you are trying to say. I feel parents devote their entire life to bringing up kids and when it comes to their turn to live an independent life, the kids decide what they should be doing. Much can be said about this. So many factors are at play when you are trying to make a decision here.
- They might really like where they stay.
- They might not like where you stay.
But I feel by and large, if there are health issues, they should stay with or atleast near a child.
Having said this, I feel going forward, we can make some good decisions. As parents. I, for one, would really like to live a healthy life. I surely do not want any lifestyle disease that my kids have to spend their money treating me. I want to stay fit and be there for them when they are making crucial decisions. If healthwise, we are fine, there will not be too many concerns that will worry a kid who is staying away from you.
me: “I feel parents devote their entire life to bringing up kids and when it comes to their turn to live an independent life, the kids decide what they should be doing.”
And we see that often in many families. Mothers are mostly subjected to it. Sons decide where a mother should go, whom should she interact with. It is sad.
You know an old Hindu saying which is apt for this situation goes something like
“Balyakaale Pita, Youvanakaale Pati, Vriddha kaale Putra…na sthree…”
I don’t remember the exact lines but the translation is ‘A woman never gets freedom because when she is small she is her father’s responsibility. When she is young, her husband’s responsibility. When she is old son’s responsibility.”
This is so deep rooted in our system that a woman actually becomes conditioned to it and thinks it is okay to live like this forever.
Health issues are at most concern in most cases.
very sensitive post,
it is always good to have the freedom to live your life your way with your husband and children. Don’t ever feel guilty for choices you make because everyone needs to live a good life.—-I also feel the same.
But in lfe one must take every decision taking into account the weklfare of each memebr of the family..and i hope people consider parents in their family..for me nuclear family means having no siblings residing with you, but parents are always considered my family.
Looking after the parents is one of the major responsibility of our lives and if we do not prform it judiciously..I personally cant sleep well. The way bringing up our children is our responsibility, so ie the duty towards the children.
Whenevr one takes a decision regarding the fulfilling of one’s dreams..does one consider the happiness of one’s spouse and the future of kids? then why cant one feel the same for parents? why suddenly parent become a liability?
Its very easy to say in the young age…..we should live as a couple
Parents shouldnt demand anything..they should be selfless etc …etc….let the time come..and then see whta your heart desires.
I always thought that …..I would nevr bind my children for anything and would nevr demand anything…so I do,now, they are free, settled as they want, I nevr demand a single thing, only give,but…….somewhere in my heart I miss them , want their presence in my life…is my heart wrong then?
We wouldnt be human till we had certain sensibilities and looking after parents is one. For me their blessings are very important for me to live happily. For me my family doesnt get complete without parents.
Today I am still living with my MIL and have a DIL also, find both realtionships very fulfilling though in different way….while I serve my MIL, I feel blessed, while I pamper my DIl I feel happy and content.
me: Renu, it doesn’t always work that way. There are times when you make a decision lookign after everyone’s welfare and then when it fails, there is no one to support you. You alone get blamed for that and that’s the worst feeling.
Parents don’t become liability. Parents are also living their life. How can chasing someone’s dream make a parent liability? Aren’t parents the ones who force the entire life to study well and become this and that? So practically what they expect is children should always live life on their terms. Is it?
My parents are old and it is my mom who says that one should enjoy living as a couple and most in my family believe the same but still it is a close knit family and whenever anyone needs help everyone reaches out to help. ‘So it is not about young age. It is about each person’s thought process. One’s right is not necessarily another’s too.
No, your heart is at the right place. We never stop loving our dear and near ones, Renu. Do we?
I give at most importance to emotional attachment. Parents are hurt the most when kids just stop caring. Even in the same house it can happen. That is the saddest thing about any relationship.
You are very sweet, Renu. Lucky your MIL and DIL.
Excellent comment Renu. You are right. I am really wondering how many people here have said that parents want to be independent and hence we are away from them!! They will all come to know the effect of such a statement when the same is told by their kid(s).
Destination Infinity
me: DI, This post was to discuss Empty nest syndrome and comments are from almost all age groups. This post was not to put blame on children or parents. As mentioned, many live with their parents and many don’t.
Shail, Usha, Sandhya, Poonam J, IHM’s mom are all Empty nesters and proud one at that. Do read their comments too. Things are always not the same for all. Many prefer it that way too. This post was to address how one can cope with it.
One thing all of us agree is that be compassionate and caring. That can happen either by living together or from far. The thing that hurts maximum is when children stop caring and that can happen even when parents are living with them. It can happen when children stop calling them or inquiring about their health. For some parents, living in an alien land with children is worse than living alone because once everyone leaves for work, there is no one to talk to and also they become dependent. A reason why my parents after weighing all options decided to live in Kerala near siblings as one thing they missed everything about Kerala their entire life because they were busy making a life for us. Second, they prefer to live near people of their own age group.
You asked me earlier why my friend is in a dilemma and not doing anything about it. The thing is she is married to an American-Indian. His parents and siblings are all settled in US. They are 2-3 hrs from the place they live in. Their whole life is here. Now this girl’s parents aren’t ready to leave their native because they have relatives, their Church, people, friends everything there. If they move to US then they will have nothing to do here and also be dependent on daughter and SIL. They don’t want that. So that’s the dilemma.
We must all address the main issue here instead of playing the blame game. I for one am not for it because every person is different and every family is too.
u are tagged! and awarded!
me: *give me Calvin*
ROFL!!!! u to be too funny for words Solilo…..
HUGS!
me: Funny? I am serious.
thanks for this post solilo, i have a guilty set of married friends i’d like to send this to
i agree, a healthy space in every relationship is a must. only a month back, i read a poll result in the newsppr that asked “What is the cause of divorce” and options were Interference of In-laws, infidelity and career choices. interference by in-laws won the max votes.
beautifully expressed solilo!! just as every person deserves their own space and freedom to make decisions and learn, every relationship requires the same. and the decisions to let ur children fly and set up their own little nest independantly is the biggest gift of support ever!
me: Crafty: Do send
but I am sure even after reading it they will always have this thought at the back of their mind. Everyone has to live with it. They can’t stop loving their dear ones.
You won’t believe it but even in America, interference of in-laws (both sides) is considered a major reason for divorce. After being in this village for sometime, I have met and known actual America which is so similar to India. The values we talk are the same they have. They too are worried about their aging parents, siblings and education of their children. They are no different other than the skin color. The most surprising were the in-law stories. It is so similar to ours.
Our immediate neighbors have 3 daughters. One goes to school and lives with them, the other 2 are married and every Saturday without fail both girls with their husbands and children visit their parents and goes back Sunday evening. They also go on trips together. I always tell them how I miss my family when I see them. All my neighbors are just extremely sweet and caring. We also have a 90 yr old who still drives and lives alone. Her house is so well maintained and even at this age she is so enthusiastic and a neatness freak. You meet her and she will talk about her dead husband for at least an hour. He only passed away 6 years back but I guess they were so much in love that she has him on her mind all the time. I find that just so loving.
Her garden and lawn are always well maintained but this time ours looks the best so now she wants our gardener.
)))) because neighbors are rating ours the best lawn and all thanks to our lovely gardener (who are also older couple, the wife mows and husband maintains). I find it so cute that even at this age they notice everything and have an enthusiasm to live.
ooohhhhh!!!!! that is so fuzzy n touching solilo!!! sniff….i love knowing about loving couples, a proof that true love isn’t dead yet (cynical crafty shines)
like lobsters!!! for life!!
yeah, i get what u say about the in-law interference there being the same. i used to watch “Everybody Loves Raymond” and the interference by his parents who live next door (tho funny)was very very defined in this sitcom. sigh!
i know of a mother who has two married sons and they live with her. the younger son lives two houses away. so basically what i am telling you is that they all stay together that is. but the sons and their wives don not even bother to ask whether the mother is daed or alive. a number of days pass before someone enters her room to ask her about her well being. she is a widow too without the company of anyone. what do you think such parents go through when they are subjected to this kibd of treatment by their own children. isnt this worse than being alone? isnt this worse than suffering from an empty nest syndrome? i know it as a fact that when she was ill nobody in her house knew it until two days passed away. so how do such parents cope up?
me: That is so sad and I mentioned that in another comment.
The worst thing to happen to any parents is when their children stop caring and by that I don’t mean stop sending them money or not living with them but the emotional attachment. The emotional attachment is very important.
When taking care of parents is just a responsibility and chore, it hurts. I don’t think any self-respecting parents want to be “taken care off”. They only want to be loved, either by living with children or being far away but have children who care, who call often, who enquire about the health. I have seen so many cases where parents live with their children and have no freedom or social life. Children think they are doing a favor and forget to actually care.
The condition of such parents are definitely worse than the ones living alone. That is the major reason why my parents want freedom and there are many like them.
Two instances come to my mind when these things are being discussed. in a particular case, extended family sits on the judgement seat and discusses how mean it is for the only son to settle abroad. he’s been there for about 30 years, but family thinks its time to come back.
in another case, a youth got an excellent job offer (the kind of growth you have to wait and wait and yet might not quite get) but his mother just wouldn’t allow her to go. she cried herself dry, fell sick and tried all sorts of emotional blackmailing. i don’t think the guy was able to break away.
I feel after a certain time, children should be set free. At the risk of making a generalisation: Indians are incapable of seeing their children in adult light, ever.
me: “At the risk of making a generalisation: Indians are incapable of seeing their children in adult light, ever.”
A major reason why many can’t cope with empty nest syndrome.
It might be a generalisation, but it is the truth Gauri, seeing children in adult light is not the rule but the exception in India.
I don’t think, at least in cities, the problem is with the children who opt to stay separately. Most parents would have more or less accepted the fact. The problem is with children who ignore thier parents, whether they stay together or seperately.
me: Exactly. As I mentioned before. The worst feeling is when children stop caring. Actually in any relationship that is the worst to happen.
It is the little things that matter. Like forgetting birthdays, not enquiring of health, partying on occassions with friends and not inviting the parents, being irritated with them, not spending time with them, not calling them often, finding an excuse to skip family get-togethers, etc.,
me: You are right on.
Even though the parents may have a social circle and may be engaged all day, it is this negligence from the children that affects them.
It is sad. But it is true too. And then again – every dog has his day.
Solilo, This topic is so so close to my heart and you have expressed everything that I would want to say..
My parents are old and it breaks my heart to leave them after vacations – but the thing is – they are the strong ones.. They are more than happy living by themselves – they are independant, they take wonderful care of each other and keep themselves busy and tell me – everytime – I say that I wish I were near by to be there with them – that it is not necessary – I need to live my life and I need not feel guilty about it at all.. They even talk about going to an ‘old age home’ – when they get too old to live independantly.. I hate it when I hear that – but they say that they really feel that they would be more independant that way – they value their independance and would like to have it as long as they can! I have a younger brother too – but they have never, ever placed expectations on either of us – they really feel that distance adds to the love and affection than being in each other’s hair the whole time..
me: Smi! I think if they love Kerala and are enjoying life there then why the need to move to old-age? They can always have a home nurse. Actually, today home nurse is a common thing in India even in the families where parents are living with children. With both Daughter/SIL at work or with both Son/DIL at work, a home nurse has become a necessasity for parents recovering from surgery or illness.
Like your Dad – my dad hates it here in the UK – he feels constrained and misses their social life and incidently they are also involved with temples and stuff
I was not too sure of their decision to move to Kerala from Jamshedpur – where Dad spent 45 years of his life.. But now I am so happy to see them busy and occupied and very satisfied..
On the other hand my in-laws are a totally different equation – my dad-in-law is a doctor – but he took an early VRS and both of them get bored at home.. They are constantly wishing that their sons would live with them – when it is just not possible.. and they are not even happy when they go and live with either of their sons – because their expectations are so so different from our lives.. So the sad thing is that they are almost always unhappy and depressed.. They hardly have any social life apart from meeting up relatives , so despite being much younger than my parents – have actually aged faster than them…
me: Oh! that’s sad. So in any which way they are going to be sad. One for you guys being far and if you guys move near even then they will be because you don’t live according to their conditions. One can’t do much in such situations.
After seeing this and seeing how my parents cope – my husband keep talking about how we need to be very careful about not clinging on to our daughter – after all – as you said – we brought her into this world – because we wanted to – not because she asked us to – so how can we be clingy and make life difficult and guilt-ridden for her?
As for different expectations for DILs and Daughters – yes – and it is so irritating, isn’t it? Last time, during my India vacation, somebody told me to ‘ Saas sasur ki achi seva karna’ – and it irritated me – coz nobody will ever say that to the son-in-law, will they? All resposibility is always for the DIL.. I think the matrilineal system is so much better, in this case – as the daughter has equal responsibilty…
me: That is why things aren’t that bad in Kerala.
When my dad was retiring – there was a retirement ‘orientation’ at the organisation that he worked for.. All the people retiring at a particluar time was given a bunch of sessions about how to keep from getting depressed, and frustrated after retirement. One of the things that was discussed, dad was telling us and which made perfect sense was ‘ Don’t be dependant, don’t be independant, by interdependant(on children)’ That makes so much sense, doesn’t it?
me: Yes! it does.
Sorry, Solilo, wrote an entire post, didn’t it – couldn’t help it – this topic is extremely close to my heart…
me: No..no..Smi. It is nice to open up once a while.
Ya, Sols, The reason my parents think of moving to an old age home – when they are really old is coz they live in quite a remote area.. where even with a home nurse it might be difficuly.. Anyways, I have full plans of convincing them of coming and staying with us – once we move to blore..Lets see how it all goes.. Life is unpredictable isn’t it?
me: Oh yeah Wayanad. Bangalore would be a good choice. Hope things work out the way you planned.
I am crying now, Solilo. My one son went abroad with a 98% scholarship when he was 19. I used to write looong 13 to 15 page letters (I have written about it in one of my older posts), knowing that he will be lonely, leaving us at a tender age. He was very good always in his studies and continues to do so. We waited for 13 years for him to come and visit us, but he was not feeling comfortable to come home. He had a very bad experience with his friends, before leaving. One day I might write about it.
me:
13 years? Was he so hurt by the friend’s behaviour? Sometimes teenagers do shut themselves and don’t share such incidents and it affects them a lot. It is always a betrayal of friend or a loved one. I remember my brother had a bad experience with a friend and he withdrew didn’t call us for sometime but since both of us are in US, I pestered and got him out of his shell. I used to call up every single day to advice and let him know that nobody in this world is worth hurting yourself and definitely not the people who pretend to be friends. He soon came out of the shell.
13 years is a long time. So did you miss his entire 20s?
Or did you visit him? I was actually waiting for your views on this because I wanted to see views from all age groups and now I am really choked, Sandhya. Words are failing.
We visited him last year and he seems to be happy. But we would like him to come home like all the other children who are abroad, once in 2-3 years, just to show a little bit affection to us. We had told him many years back that we don’t plan to compel any of our sons to stay with us and take care of us. Both of us are happy with each other’s company and have got our siblings and other relatives, who are close to us.
me: I am glad that you could meet him and that he is doing fine but why has he become so detached? Why so emotionally detached? Did you ever get the chance to talk to him one-on-one? To let him open up?
This is the reason, I feel that the school days of the children are the best days for any parents. We just plan our lives to suit them, till they go out of the house. It is our responsibility to do that. We should not expect anything in return.
me: You are right and actually even for children school days are the best. The carefree world of Calvin & Hobbes. I miss those.
And nowadays, even the parents are busy with their own schedules – not like old times – sitting at home watching TV, going to temple in the evening eat and sleep. Time is flying. My second son is here, with us and once he gets married, me and my husband would prefer him to take a house of his own and start his family. That way we can always be friends, we feel. We will be there for them and they will be here for us, when need arises. And I believe that the children should have breathing spaces. They should learn to take the responsibility of their own family. We are happy in our own home and surroundings and our routine.
Let our children also be happy in whichever way, they want. Compulsion about anything, will not bring happiness to anybody.
me: Are the two brothers close? You sound a lot like my mother. {{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}
I hope your son could read this and realize how lucky he is to have a mother like you.
Very sensitive and good post, Solilo.
Sandhya 13 years is very long period,it’s making me cry,how u faced that pain.Why he doesn’t want to come even for a holiday? its because of his friend?because of his friend he wont come to see u all?
I think that is the difference between a son and a daughter.
Nice to hear that both of u spend ur time by visiting temples and other activities.My mom is also very busy,sometimes i dont get on the phone as well.Hugs to u:)
Sandhya, Your comment made me cry! I am sure that one day, your son will come back
‘Let our children also be happy in whichever way, they want. Compulsion about anything, will not bring happiness to anybody.’ – So true!! Your sons are extremely lucky to have a mother like you!!! Hugs!!!
This is a topic always at the back of the mind especially for non residents living so many thousands of miles away from parents and family.
People eventually come up with their own arrangements – sometimes the parents move in with the children, some find ways to keep busy.
Sometimes you wonder if it is worth it all…maybe they deserve the comfort of being with their children after all those years.
me: “Sometimes you wonder if it is worth it all.” True.
Very insightful post solilo…I spent few years of my life in hostel but use to visit twice a month to home…never felt if either of us are alone….After marriage we are staying with inlaws and my parents are with bro’s family….My mother also had a big social circle..she keep busy herself with temple work also….
Sometime she is even busier than me
After reading your post and all of the comments on this post…i m feeling kind of lucky that atleast i m not in this situation…
But if this would have been my case…i prefer staying with my parents and leaving job like masood also said above…I feel if we are sensitive for our children..we want to give them our level best..so we shd do the same for our parents too…Its coz of parents that we have achieved all this success in our lives and now when its our turn to give them back….we shd not become selfish..
No offense meant..its individual opinion..
me: Rash, You are right its individual opinion. It is nice to see things are working out for you guys. But please don’t think that others are unlucky. It is their decision too just like it is yours to stay with your in-laws. There are couple of them who posted here who just can’t live with them due to various reasons. There are some who live as a stranger even with children. As mentioned every individual is different. All people are not the same so same rules can’t be applied.
I am not unlucky by any means. I am lucky to have such great parents. Being senstive, little space and emotionally available is more important to me.
Edited to add: When is the due date? Isn’t it near?
No No i m not saying other unlucky…..
I said myself lucky in a sense that i m leading life which i want ..thats with parents..
due date is 25th May…
A very well written post. Let me first congratulate you on that. Next I would like to appreciate your parents. Your mother’s words are what I would like every mother to tell their children. Freedom to live the life they want is the best gift parents can give children along with gifting them the ability to ‘think for themselves’. Sadly we see very less of both. It is only a handful who does this.
There was a forward about a tree that did the rounds some time back. It spoke of a tree that gave shade and fruit to a young boy, who when he grew up went away leaving the tree. You know these forwards and how it is written all cloyingly sweet and sickeningly judgmental. It implied that children are taken care of by parents with so much of love, but they in their turn abandon the parents and go away. It irritated me no end. I asked a question of the person who sent me that, though it was not his creation. Did the tree feed and care for the child with the selfish motive of being taken care of in its old age?? I mean did the tree want the boy to sit beneath it and idle away his time, is that the reason it raised the boy?? Is that it?? We beget children, care for them just because we want someone to care for us in our old age?? It is my opinion of course, worth for what it is, but I find this approach an extremely selfish one for having children.
Strictly my feelings of course: For me children are those to be taken care of and made fit to live in the world. Even as they grow up slowly, step by step let them free, till at last they are their on person. This is what I have followed in principle too. Clingy mother make me sick (of course fathers too). Makes me want to cry, when I see children emotionally blackmailed and made to feel guilty for wanting to lead a life of their own.
In our society closeness between husband and wife is not encouraged. The woman’s life revolves totally around her children. Men go out, have friends and involve themselves in activities, while the women cling to their children. So when they leave, mothers feel a vacuum. It is better if parents prepare themselves in advance, mentally for their children leaving home. It amazes me when I hear mothers crib and whine about their teenagers needing them less. OMG what do they want?? For their teenagers to run to them still?? Not grow up?? But strangely enough, parents in India are thrilled when children cling to them and not when they are independent.
Once when I did not go for my usual walk for a couple of days, my neighbor asked me, “Oh you must be missing your son who just left.” And that left me gaping, I tell you. You mean if my son comes on leave and leaves after a few days, I am supposed to mope and not go for my walk?? The logic beats me!! It does irritate me when relatives, friends and others repeat, “Oh you must be missing your sons now that they have both left home!” Any problem I have is attributed to empty nest syndrome. “You must be bored!” they tell me. And I want to scream at them. Bored?? I am far from bored. For God’s sake, I waited for so long for them to grow up and be individuals in their own right, not have to take decisions for them, to have the house all to myself and have them as visitors (are you shocked??) whom I can pamper for limited periods, see off after a few days/months and then return to my relaxed life.
The world has changed. Now more and more children are working away from home. It would do for parents to accept that fact and prepare themselves in advance. They can get involved in activities that interest them, mingle with those of their own age, and stop thinking that staying in old age home is some terrible punishment. If you ask me, I would certainly like staying in one (I got ticked off by my son for saying the is a few years back, but I really mean it) not because my children would not take care of me, but for the simple reason that I like the company of people my age. So long as the old age home is run perfectly there is no need to act the martyr and get depressed about staying in one. Besides, there is the safety factor too when old people stay alone in houses. It is a cause of worry for the children too.
It will pay for us to cut ourselves loose from the old habit of defining ourselves (women) only in relation to others (especially children). Pays to have our own identity and interests.
Solilo, don’t know if I am coherant. I just wrote what I felt. And time is of essence. Have to get off the net. Will come back and read the other comments.
me: Shail, since you are a mother of two boys who have left your nest, I was waiting to read your views. I salute you! I am always a fan of such strong women.
Lucky are the children whose parents let them grow in the real sense. I hope I can be a mother like you who will let her child grow and be independent.
Edited to add: I had asked my mom to write a comment here and after reading your comment, she told me that you stole her words. Thank you, Shail! for speaking my mom’s mind too.
Your Mom sems to be someone after my own heart!
My regards to her.
Couldn’t not add a word of congrats to Shail, your mom ,Solilo, and you Sol..
For the clearly articulated state of affairs, when children leave the nest [For Shail 
], for being the strong woman, and wonderful inspiring person [your mother, Solilo], and you, you you… for saying this, and giving us the space to say it too 
Thanks
Shail, I know what you mean. I live it each day here too..
Like, when is your elder son coming? Ooooh! how nice! And , after he’s left… Awww, you’re not well? Because he’s not there?
And threats… lol… Just wait and see, next time this year, your younger one will go.. then what will you do?
How can you say le t them go?
What WILL you do?
Heck! I got so many many things to do, and …. &W#$%^#$&&^! I have wished I could articulate that.. but I beam a Buddha smile and say, Oh, so what?? I love their confounded expressions then…
!
I am convinced that they are convinced about their darkest fears about me! I am not a good mother at all..
!
Sorry, Sol, and Shial… I had to put that here
me: Ushus, they “care” more for us. I have seen people get a sadistic pleasure in such things. It is not that bad for you. Wait till they ask your son and DIL on how they so selfishly abandoned their parents.
That is how they have conditioned themselves. It gives some pleasure when they call couple of children selfish and see some parents crying. In reality, there is also a chance that these same people have children who live with them and the most selfish and unloving. I have an aunt who lives with her daughter and don’t have a good relation at all. Aunt needs permission to go everywhere. She keeps praising me. Yes! me the one who lives so far away from her parents. So actually that has made this cousin and my relation now complicated as no one likes to be compared. But my parents are any day happier and healthier than this aunt. (touchwood)
Hahaha! I know what you mean Usha!!
!”
“I am convinced that they are convinced about their darkest fears about me! I am not a good mother at all..
*sob sob* They think the same of me too! *wink*
I didnt faced this situation yet.. but I have prepare now.. that will make my parents to be happy in their older ages.. I cant inagine them suffering due to loneliness.. your points are tre Solilo.. my mom never goes out and don’t have much chat with people, so it will really difficult for her.. hope I will make them happy by not leaving them alone…
very nice post Solilo.. made me think
me: Thank you, Kanagu. Hope you do what is best for your parents and you.
splendid post, solilo…that’s a dilemma indeed:(
That said, I’ve found, on my recent trips (to my great consolation) that we’re actually intruding on their schedule, as they’ve these social meetings, gardening and other stuff going on… This is not to excuse ourselves, but really makes me wonder about life… I mean, the transition was not easy and it slowly came to be what it is, now…There has been some conscious effort to make things live…and I hope when the time comes for me to let go, I don’t weigh my kids down, too…
me: As I mentioned when we visit, my parents are forced to change their schedule too and actually that makes me happy because it is an indication that they are busy. With such parents as the gauge, I am sure you are going to be just fine.
Great post.I can understand your fear of the mid night telephone call.I had several opportunities to talk over phone to many terrified sons and daughters living abroad whose parents were admitted under my care.I could understand their anguish at not being there to help their beloved Dad/Mom. At the same time I have seen many sons and daughters living together/close by but neglecting their ill parents. More than the distance, the love and the willingness to sacrifice one’s time to take care of your sick parent is more important.
me: Charakan, that’s exactly many of us feel. You just echoed my sentiments. I go every year and live in India for 4 months dividing my time exactly between my parents and in-law. But then again what works for me needn’t work for another.
Fortunately I am living as close to my parents as possible, but independently. Being a doc I could stay home because this is one of the few professions that can assure you a decent job in my home town in Kerala. I was never much ambititous and so do not regret my decisison. I may get a midnight call but I am happy I can be with them in minutes.
me: It takes a little longer for us almost 40 hrs
Oh Solilo,you’ve covered a very sensitive post.Something very close to my heart.You know,after reading Mishy’s post on how she felt helpless being so far away, when her father collapsed and her mother didnt have anyone other than her neighbours to help her,I was so moved that I could actually empathise with her.
For the past few years,my mind has been embroiled in a similar kind of fear.I’ve been living away from my parents for the past 7years and my brother has been based in Bangalore for the past 4years.Yet like you,our parents have never,even once,with their actions or words made us feel guilty or forced to come back to them and live near them despite their ever increasing health concerns in question.
But,with passing years,my husband(for his father as he has to keep shuttling between us and his other son to get both his sons’ attention) and I have been contemplating really hard to plan our shift back to our roots so as to be near our parents and give them our time that they so rightfully deserve.
And now,especially with this visit,it has done a world of good to them as they grew much closer to Namnam and vice versa.All the more a reason for R & I to reconsider our decisions.Its amazing to see how much Namnam is gaining with her bonding with her grands and how their faces radiate with happiness when she is around.
This is turning into a long ramble,Sols.I had better stop else I’ll stray further from your basic topic of empty nesting.When I read your post,I just felt I should share my predicament with you too.
me: Arre ramble on. This topic is for that. To share your thoughts. Namnam must be so happy there. I can imagine. When I am with my parents I forget everything too. No worries in the world.
As for empty nesting,my husband has already suggesting that he&I should start looking for good old age homes so as to enroll ourselves at a later stage!!He says we can can never be sure whats in store for us:D
me: All of my husband’s cousins have decided that we will settle near Vellayani in TVM years later when all of our children go their way and make their own life. It will be our fun old age area. All houses near by.
When I am old I would prefer to be with people who are my age.
Thank you so much for this post:)
this is a very good topic on which i will share more of my views soon…m feeling very sleepy…:0…btw this thing keeps ringing in my mind very often…being a single child to my parents who will look after them when they get older, if i ever settle abroad???….probably it is the same dilemma which ur friend has…
A timely post.. well written….
I guess parents these days have adjusted to the fact that they cannot depend on their children like earlier days. But then it still hurts me to think that they are alone and I am sure in their lonely and helpless moments they would like to have their children with them. I guess there is no solution to this dilemma.
While my Father is busy with many activities and since after retirement they settled in his hometown where he has his childhood frnds… my Mother’s case is different.. she is yet to find a place and she seems to have lost all her vitality. Even with 5 children there is none to be at their side. It is sad but that is the way things are..
Ad for Hubby.. they are 2 sons and both of them left home early for the sake of job. But they are better adjusted to their lives but personally I still cannot think of old age homes for neither my Hubby’s parents nor mine…Home nurses are an option these days, if one can find reliable ones.. but I still wish things could be different…
me: Welcome Happy Kitten.
Many of us are in similar dilemma. That’s why it was nice to read views from all age groups.
Loved this post, Solilo. Wonderfully written. I love Shail’s and your mom’s take on this. I subscribe to the very same view today.
But that said, busy as I am today, I really don’t know how I’ll be when my kids move out. I will have a lot of tasks to occupy my time, I’m sure. But there’s no saying where my thoughts would be, or how empty I’ll feel. Like they say, time will tell.
g
me: Thank you, Gauri. Even though I have a long way to go still my take is also the same.
Even here in the US, we worry about our parents and what will happen to them if we aren’t living near to them and something goes wrong. In our culture here, the parents are happy with their independence and fight fiercely for it…even when it’s clear that they shouldn’t be alone anymore. It’s hard on us as their children, do we respect their wishes or force ourselves on to them? The retirement here is also a concern as companies no longer provide a decent retirement package and people can’t afford to supply themselves with a decent one due to everyday cost of living and medical expenses. I worry what the future will hold for my parents and if I will be able to help them.
me: We live in a place where there are more number of senior citizens and retirement living. Most people move here after retirement to live peacefully. Also, the family bonding I have seen here is something I have never witnessed at other places in US.
As you said, it is a concern for children all over and in every generation. In India it is visible now because of lesser number of children.
Solilo this is such a thought provoking post…and going by the way everyone has commented and shared …it is a topic that’s close to everyone’s heart….so many of our fears lie at the heart of it….trust you to once again give voice to so many unexpressed feelings and anxieties……..
mom and dad are just like yours…maybe coz of the nature of their jobs they always were prepared to handle distances and difficulties…mom and dad have always told my brothers and me to do our own thing..to go where life takes us…to live life the way we want to…and uptil now the guilt feeling has not entered our minds at all…we three siblings have taken it as a natural thing that ma and dad will be living independently and busy with their own lives….
I do know though that even if we three are in different corners of India or of the world we will keep taking turns to visit mom and dad so that they always see their kids and grandkids after every two months or so….
mom and dad have already made plans to settle down near our ancestral home in UP so that they are near other cousins and extended family….I know just what you mean coz mom and dad would feel too lost in a ‘foreign’ land.. be it some part of India or abroad….I think the fact that ma was an army wife …. like your mom made the transition easier for us…we kids always knew we were nomads….and we have always been footloose coz we dont know any other way..
….I know I will suffer separation pangs but the guilt will be less or none I hope …knowing that they are surrounded by people whom they are comfortable with and also have a busy schedule of their own…
I am thankful though that be it in Delhi where the security in our particular building is water tight or in UP where there are so many memebers of the family around …mom and dad will be safe, happy and satisfied…I worry about the safety more than anything else…which is why I am hoping that out of the two homes in Delhi and UP they will settle in UP…
I know dad is fiercely independent and would hate to live with any one of us…he would rather prefer that we visit him from time to time…:)
ma is more social than dad and she is the one I worry about…coz she is so darn attached to me her only daughter and her confidante that I know she will miss me despite all her assurances of ”go live your life”
a dilemna Solilo….one I will face quite soon….but I know that with parents like mine I will be okay
you give me courage to face some of my fears too…
(((((hugs)))
me: Abhi, I wrote exactly what I feel and how things are in our family. I think our parents are the same because of the similar lifestyle. I am also glad that they finally decided to settle in Kerala near their siblings. They have our family temple too. So life is busy still as you said I am my mom’s confidante. I call home every day and there still is so much to talk
Such a balanced and informative post, Solilo. Especially the empty nest information.
As someone has already mentioned above, the empty nest syndrome leading to depression and lonliness is growing, and it is tough on both kids and parents involved. But rising to the occasion and making the most out of the time finally that the parents have together, or , in the case of the parent being singular, having things to do, people to meet, on a regular basis, does help a lot.
But moving home, either parent or child, just to solve the loneliness issue cannot be the right move, certainly. And finally, keeping communication channels open, always, is the key to being concerned, caring, and letting the parents know, isnt it?
Hats off to your wonderful parents, especially your mother for being such an inspiring guide. You certainly are very very lucky! Bless them, and their family…
me: Ushus, I was waiting for you to read and reply here. It was tough for me to write this and whatever parents say there is always this guilt feeling and worry. I am indeed very lucky for such fabulous parents who are always an inspiration to do good.
And now I was the one misty eyed.My husband and self, willingly left our kids behind in Canada, becaz we wanted to live our life too. The kids are happily settled in their lives, they have a life there and We have a life here…Inspite of the distance we are a family. They miss us as much as we miss them. more so when I hear the laughter and chuckles of our grand daughter, my daughter too says..maa get back…..
me: Poonam ji, I can relate to it because that is just my parents too.
People ask me, as to how could I leave my kids behind and come..so people will ask..we all do what is best for each one of us….I can move back to Canada, but like my husband says..tommorrow the kids get an opening somewhere else, they will move…We as parents have prepared our kids to handle distance and difficulties, in the same way our parents did….so is life.
My mum at 74 lives by herself, and she has her life full. She is busier than a 16 year old , what with the ashram, blind school, charity she does.As for me, my husband and self have made a life for ourselves here, we have shared hobbies, common friends who give us joy too.Sometimes, the silence gets to you,but you tide over it. Being from the Defence, I guess the transition is easier.
me: “Being from the Defence, I guess the transition is easier. ” I think that is what it is. That is the reason which made some of the older parents stronger and independent. We are one too. My dad served the Air Force.
On a lighter vein…….I read this interesting quote by Erma Bombeck…….”When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they’re not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They’re upset because they’ve gone from supervisor of a child’s life to a spectator.”
me: Actually to some extend that is true for moms of all ages.
The tears I had when my little one left for pre-school was because now she had more people in life and not just me. At every stage mothers need to come out of that phase of supervision or else it is going to be worse in future when a son-in-law or daughter-in-law arrives and us mothers see them as our competitor. 
How True…..but an interesting phase of life as well.This is an evergrowing concern for parents who were children once, and for children who are parents now. As always wonderfully written Solilo.
me: I have quoted your lines in the end. So Thank you for that.
Poonam, what you have mentioned in a lighter vein here, the Erma Bombeck quote is actually THE reason behind mothers being upset. If only they understood themselves better!!
And being from the Defence Force certainly makes the transition easier. But come to think of it, I didn’t find any difficulty at all, nary a bit!!
I even love the silence! 
My Husband too, Ex AirForce….He flew Jaguars.I miss my life in the Air Force.It is true..life in the forces preapares you for many challenges in life…and it also teaches you how to come out a winner…..we learn all this unknowingly yet willingly too.
this is such an important post..for me, for most f us in here. i knwo exactly what u r talkin about. empty nesting n depression. we do get cases at our hospital like these..rare, but yes. n the easiest part is to get judgemental about kids leaving parents. but as we ponder on, and as u rightly put, there is no harm in bein ambitious, n wanted a stable life, and if it happens to be away from ur parents, there is not much u cud do about it.. a little distance always helps. and its the feelin in our hearts that matter much more than the physical presence!! juz that we shud let our dear parents know that we’d be there for them, wenever n forever! in turn parents shud accept it too
n yeah, having gettogethees and family visits always adds to the charm of any relationship!!
kudos for this post, solilo!!
me: Exactly Sashu. There is no one right when it comes to situations like this. This is a sensitive issue which should be handled with maturity and thoughtfulness.
wow!! so many comments..a real thought provoking and interesting post.