(Wo)Men are from Mars

Blogosphere is hit with gender typecast issues and arguments. From hot rotis to the Yin and Yang equation to working-non working mothers issues; everyone is talking about stereotyping and apathy based on gender through their comments and posts.

John Gray asserts the notion that men and women are as different as beings from other planets by titling his book as Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. But aren’t each individual different from another irrespective of gender? You can find an extremely emotional man and a tyrannical woman, negating the regular stereotypes.  So why does they have to be from two different planets based on gender? Let them be together.  Let Women and Men be individuals from same planet. Let them both be from Mars.

I have had serious debates on this on various discussion forums, I visit. Some of my arguments are similar which I posted there as I save most of my arguments on such topics. This war is never ending.  

I have often seen women trying to be a martyr when they leave jobs to be home with their children. Good for them. It is nice to have a choice. How many men get that? Why isn’t it expected of father to quit job? In general, it is expected of men to be a provider whereas women get to choose to be at home or to work outside. Isn’t that discrimination? I know of some men, who, given a choice would prefer to be home and take care of children and do other chores but they don’t have a choice because that’s not the norm. Then these very same men go home in the evening and finish all the chores because the mother was taking care of baby whole day so she couldn’t do anything else. Now the mother’s time to take rest. The man who worked full day after coming home, finishes chores, gives bath to the baby then cooks dinner and takes care of the baby gets time to sleep only when the baby sleeps.  Then he wakes up at night again when baby cries because mother is now resting. This guy again goes back to work the next morning without proper sleep whereas mother continues with the same routine. Would he have quit job to be a full time father? Oh! He would have but he can’t. If this mother claims to be martyr then shame on her for using motherhood as an excuse for indolence.

Every working woman is a homemaker too. So life becomes more difficult because after coming home they have to finish the same amount of chores. But then they shouldn’t be complaining either because it is all about choices. The choice you made. These choices you made shouldn’t be gauge of judging others. If you choose to stay at home then shouldn’t claim that you are a ’real’ mom and that you take real responsibility. Responsibility has nothing to do with time spent. When a kid goes to school, most of his time is spent with teachers and that doesn’t mean that parents now has less responsibility.

Personally, I feel mothers know what is best for their baby. It is maternal instinct. No! it is not gender stereotyping. It is just that at initial time, physically and emotionally the child gets attached to us more by law of nature. I am someone who believes that it is better that a mother spend quality time at home with the child instead of leaving the baby at day cares or by baby sitters. The initial years are very important in a child’s development and as a mother you don’t want to miss any of those milestones. I am glad as a woman I have a choice. But that doesn’t mean women who leave their children are mean. May be it was impossible for them to leave career, it is after all a Dog-eat- Dog world. May be they want to bring that extra dough for family to run smooth. Or may be they just want to have their own space. None of the reasons make them evil or any less motherly than the ones who choose to stay at home.   

Just because a child spends more time at day care doesn’t mean that he refuses to recognize mother. A child feels the same warmth from the mother who works at a construction site or breaking bricks ala Nirupa Roy and from a mother who uses softening lotion on her hands. A child doesn’t care if mother smells of sweat from all the work or smells of Gucci. Her husband might though I mentioned this parallel only because most women from lower strata often don’t have choice. They have to leave immediately for work leaving their young ones behind with older children.

It is not about quantity of time but quality time spent with a parent which is valuable.  

So why claim to be martyrs for staying home and taking care of baby and why have a supremacy for working outside and bringing home the dough? Your choices are based on your family’s requirements. It needn’t fit the other family.

Edited to add: We know someone close (Americans), in their family, always one parent chose to stay home with children. So initial years mother stayed and father worked and later years father stayed home and mother worked. Isn’t that a fabulous solution? I don’t know if it can ever be applied to us Indians? I don’t know if any of us can ever allow our man to be a stay at home father.